The Playlist

And Now, The Weather | Youth by Daughter

And now, itsfruitcakeweather.

Seriously though, her post really reflects whats going on with me right now and it just tied in with everything.

I want to note right off the bat that this is not from the weather on the podcast Welcome to Nightvale, but it is a reference to it.

We are the reckless
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we’ll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there

Never more have I ever wanted to just crawl into a song and let it wrap me up into its comfort.

I am aware that this is a sad song. It’s a fairly depressing song about broken hearts and lost dreams (and NO this post is not nor will this blog ever be about my love life), but I just feel…

…lost?

I’m in an Augustus Waters phase. Or maybe the Colin phase. That’s right. I’m turning a John Green character into an official phase. Deal.

I just am trying to understand what I am doing. I am facing the question of “What is the point of doing things?” and coming up short. Going to college, getting an education, preparing for a job…that I’m not even sure what it is.

College has this weird curse set upon it in second year where suddenly the student is just up with it all. Nearly everyone I’ve spoken to is either fed up, given up, or woken up. They are fed up with this system of education. They have given up because it is too hard. 

And they have woken up. Welcome to the real world. You’re grown up now. So, what are you going to be?

 I can’t think of a question I haven’t heard more often in my life than “What are you going to be when you grow up?” There is  sort of cruelty in instilling the idea that we have to know what we are going to do with the rest of our lives when we barely know what the world has in store. (Seriously, how was I supposed to what I wanted when I was five years old? Back then I thought rockets candy was good–ugh.)

Really what they’re asking is, “What are you going to do when your life has settled out?”

Well here’s the problem: life never settles out.

And part of that is because our dreams will forever change. Either they morph in the process of attaining them, or they are fulfilled and replaced with new dreams. We are never satisfied with the one dream we started off with, because our dreams change as we as people change.

It’s why kids say they’re going to be astronaut-princess-chef-scuba divers. They want to be everything all at once. They want to express each aspect of their ability and interest in the short time frame and limitations that we call “life as a human being on planet Earth.”

But now the question is more insistent. More real. Because I’m already half way, or almost half way through, and I’m as lost as ever. I’m expected to know what I’m going to be “when I grow up.” Because “grown up” is just around the corner if its not already here yet.

I may be imagining this pressure, but like a nocebo I feel the effects anyways. But I also feel that one day I’ll be able to shake this feeling off. I believe that one day I will be able to answer the question “What will you be when you grow up?”

Hopefully, I will have found the power to simply answer, with the force that I have used to chase everything I have ever hoped to catch,

“Me.”

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